Happy snowday, Hamline

-eb

No. Put that down.

Consider this a preview for a verbose rant on how much I hate Saint Paul's Skyway Patrons. My school is only four blocks away from my apartment, and those four blocks are the worst fucking part of my entire day. I'm constantly blocked by rotund administrative assistants - who just wouldn't be able to sleep at night if they couldn't block the entire fucking walking path to browse the gourmet chocolate kiosk inside of Macy's - amongst a myriad of other failures that do nothing but cause me extreme anxiety. I've got about 12 pages of college ruled hate ready to be thrown on the internet; I just need to get better acquainted with Adobe Illustrator. (Seriously. The drawings below took me two hours because Illustrator does NOT have a "paint bucket" tool; Illustrator is just that fucking future.) However, today I just had to update about the homunculus I saw during my lunch break.

I was browsing for a cheap Chinese take out place, when I saw a new side cart; it's specialty was ice cream. I started to walk towards it to get a better glance at its name, but I was almost trampled to death by a foul beast as it stormed to the ice cream cart to make sure it arrived at the diabetes water hole before the rest of the herd. It was short, dense, and I couldn't find it's feet with my eyes. This is a rough sketch of what I had seen.

After I realized it was a fat, middle aged secretary, I became filled with rage; I was ready to boast that I had successfully escaped a feral razorback onslaught. For a brief moment, I watched her shovel the vanilla scoops (Seriously? All that fucking effort and energy for a cup of vanilla?) down her throat. This was my reaction:

 

I hope you at least had time to taste it. Moo cow.

- ab 

The UFC is challenged

Considering the immense amount of sponsors* currently supporting ultimate fighting -- the straightfoward "Cage Gear," the scary and ambiguous "Hostility," the scarier and a little more direct Pain INC -- I shouldn't have been surprised with the latest addition.

Manumission Skin Care touts itself as "Skin Care for Men Who Get it Done." Clearly, it's made for the GRIZZLY BEAR** in all of you.

And it's got a name that literally has no meaning. It's not even punny. The closest thing it could possibly be referring to is "submission," or a set of grappling moves used in mixed martial arts and wrestling alike to attempt to force the opponent into throwing in the towel.

But after staring at the word for a good 30 minutes, I still couldn't figure out why they would combine MAN with SUBMISSION and get MANUMISSION.

Then I decided to Wikipedia search for Manumission. 

click for a larger image

Which is when I came to the realization that the UFC just might actually be retarded. 

No where on the Manumission website or Facebook does it mention the racist*** history of this term. 

In fact, they provide a pretty paltry definition considering the centuries of Black mistreatment actually supporting their namesake. 

People who support this level of brutish stupidity are one level above the intelligence found in a pair Corona bottle-opening sandals**** -- a metaphor (at least half of which) most of these bros will understand.

 -eb

 *Manly sponsors.
**Man grizzly bear.

***Manly racist.
****Mandals.